Connecting In a Relationship
I hear a common refrain in my work with adult individuals and couples. People are interested in a life of meaning, and we know it has something to do with safe relational connection. People want to connect with friends, partners, God, or themselves but are stuck in unhelpful ways of relating. Connection feels elusive. As distress begins to build around the feeling of disconnection, we cope by becoming increasingly anxious, demanding, critical or withdrawn.
We obsess about our spouse’s shortcomings. We mentally revisit past hurts. We imagine a catastrophic future in which our friends all get married and leave us. All the while, these actions pull us further and further away from contact with the present moment and the opportunity for change.
If this experience feels familiar, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy practitioner Russ Harris offers us a way to make sense of our contributions to the distress we feel. When we are hurt, he invites us to identify how we DRAIN our significant relationship(s).
D - Disconnection - How do I disconnect from my partner, friends, family, or God? (Do I stop listening and get irritable? Do I abandon a posture of openness and curiosity in the present moment?)
R- Reactivity - How do I react impulsively or automatically without stopping to consider what I’m doing and what the consequences might be? (Do I snap, storm off, blame, sneer, accuse, play the victim?)
A- Avoidance - How do I try to avoid or get rid of the painful feelings related to issues in this relationship? (Do I find a false refuge rather than resolving the issue with the person involved?)
I - Inside your Mind - How do I get trapped inside my mind? (Do I worry about the future or dwell on the past? Get caught up in judgment or blame? Do I get stuck in thoughts of rejection, abandonment, betrayal, or being controlled?)
N - Neglecting Values - What core values do I neglect or forget about when I’m disconnected, reactive, avoiding, and inside my mind? (Do I forget my desire to be a kind, gracious, faith-filled, supportive, and affectionate person?)
The bad news is that we all DRAIN our relationships, but the good news is that mindful effort can change habitual patterns! We can learn to LOVE., and we can Let go, Open up, Value the other, and Engage. This new year, I’d love the opportunity to support you in your courageous pursuit of relational and spiritual growth.
