Tips for Supporting Your Teen After the Loss of a Friend or Loved One By Suicide
Suicide is a painful and complex topic. Many parents struggle to know how to talk to their kids about suicide and how to address the topic in a sensitive way. When your child has experienced the loss of a friend or loved one by suicide, it is incredibly important to address the issue directly, honestly, and with tenderness and compassion.
Here are a few things to consider:
It is important to process your own feelings first. While it is healthy and important for parents to grieve alongside of their children after loss, parents should work through the intense feelings of grief with other adults in their support system. Our children need us to be calm and centered when they are grieving so we can create space for them to be open and vulnerable and they can trust that we can handle their big feelings without needing to be protected or cared for.
Honesty is Important: Discussing suicide directly can be uncomfortable for parents. It is a heavy topic and parents can try to skirt around the issue talking in generalities rather than addressing the issue of mental health and suicide head on in an age appropriate way. When discussing a loved one’s suicide, kids don’t need to specific details of the act, but it is important to have a frank discussion about the loss. This can lead to important conversations about mental health, depression, trauma, addiction, and other factors that might have been at play. It is important to share that help is always available during times of suffering.
Validate all feelings: Grief can bring up a wave of intense emotions. When a loved one dies by suicide, that can add to even more complex feelings and emotions. Loved ones often experience feelings of confusion, anger, guilt, regret, sadness, and despair - among many others. These emotions can come in waves and change often. It is incredibly difficult for parents to sit with their teens in these feelings without trying to reason with them, talk them out of the feelings, or cheer them up. Let you child know that you understand their feelings and that they are not alone in feeling this way.
Talk openly about Mental Health. It is important to address human struggles of anxiety, depression, sadness, loneliness, and suffering. Parents can share ways they find hope and peace when they are struggling. Emphasize the importance of leaning on others during times of struggle. Isolation leads to increased depression and it is difficult to gain perspective in the darkness of our own minds. Help your child identify trusted adults in their life that they can go to when life is hard. Identify other resources that are available if your child or one of their friends is in need of extra support.
Avoid Rumors. Suicide is often difficult to comprehend and can leave loved ones searching for answers that make sense. It is important to lean on close relationships in order to process all of the unanswered questions and emotions that follow. However, as a community grieves, unanswered questions often spark speculation and all kinds of rumors can be the result. This can lead to increased pain for close family and friends. Talk to your teens about the importance of respecting a family’s privacy around details and give them helpful language to use with others when they are setting a boundary around gossip. It is also important to validate that it is human instinct to want answers to our questions in order to process difficult experiences. Offer support and understanding that it is a difficult part of life when questions are unanswered and that we have to learn to tolerate uncertainty, even when it is uncomfortable.
Respect your child’s grieving process. People are unique and process feelings and emotions differently. Some people are very open about their feelings and find it helpful to process their thoughts and feelings openly with others. Some people tend to internalize their feelings and find it helpful to have space to sort through it all privately before they bring others into their thought process. Take cues from your teen about what they need and respect their wishes. If you can tell they are struggling and they are not opening up, you can always acknowledge their pain and let them know you are available to talk when they are ready. Statements like “I know you are hurting. I am here to talk anytime.” “I know these feelings can feel heavy sometimes. I want you to know you are not alone.”
If you feel concerned about your child’s well-being, it is important to seek professional help. Warning signs can be isolation, drastic changes in mood, difficulty getting out of bed or going to school, struggles with everyday functioning (sleep/eating/hygiene), reckless or self-harming behaviors. Losing a loved one to suicide can be triggering for vulnerable kids and they can see it as a way out of their suffering. Talk to your kids openly and directly about this and reach out to professionals if you feel concerned.
