Parenting Teens (Is Not for the Faint of Heart)
As a family therapist and school counselor for over fifteen years, I have worked with thousands of teenagers. I find them funny and serious, insightful and goofy, confident and insecure, truthful and deceptive, sophisticated and immature. As a parent of two teens, I also know they can be loving and maddening, responsible and reckless, talkative and brooding, all-knowing and clueless.
I also know that being a trained, experienced professional doesn’t always help when parenting your own child. What parent of a teen hasn’t thought, “What should I do?!” when dealing with a moody, defiant, struggling, or withdrawn adolescent? While there is no 100% foolproof way to parent a teenager, and every situation and family is unique, there are some generalities that apply in most instances. Below are a few important reminders:
1. Their brains aren’t fully developed. In fact, teen brains are experiencing significant growth and changes. The prefrontal cortex, which houses our ability to plan, think about consequences, problem-solve, and control impulses, won’t be fully formed until they’re in their mid-20s. Until then, teens are largely governed by their amygdala, which is associated with emotions, impulses, aggression, and instinctive behaviors. (Sound familiar?) When a teenager does something stupid, and parents ask, “What were you thinking?” and they respond, “I don’t know,” they aren’t necessarily lying. Their primitive amygdala was likely calling the shots. It may help to think of adolescence as a “second toddlerhood.” There will be tantrums, high emotions, boundary-pushing, and a “me, me, me” mentality. Like their first toddlerhood, make sure they have a snack, a nap, limits, and lots of physical activity.
2. Work to put yourself out of a job. For most of us, the ultimate goal of parenting is to raise a self-sufficient young adult. To accomplish this, teens should be given increased freedom over their four years in high school. Ideally, by the time they’re seniors, they will have almost total freedom. During this time, help them grow from experiences by letting them make choices and mistakes and accept responsibility for things that may go wrong. Adversity builds character when handled with love and support. Engage them in conversations about what they learned and what they could do differently. When you find yourself doing too much for your teen, ask yourself what skills you want them to have. Based on that, let them make decisions and allow them to deal with the aftermath.
3. Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll (or Rap) Revisited – As mentioned above, teen brains are not fully developed… and they crave excitement and risk. Their brains are primed for thrill-seeking; therefore, it’s crucial for parents to set boundaries and follow through on appropriate consequences. You will not be able to prevent them from making bad choices (nor should you try – you’ll both end up miserable). But you can and should set limits, with clearly communicated expectations and consequences, even if they don’t agree. Define your family values and use those to guide the rules you implement. This also means you need to try to live out the values you want your teens to emulate. Most adolescents will make poor choices from time to time, and that’s okay. It’s how they will learn. When they do mess up, refer back to your family values and consistently apply consequences. Of course, if risk-taking behaviors lead to serious problems or potential substance abuse, consult a professional.
4. Mental Health Matters – We may roll our eyes and comment on the hormones, but teen angst is real. Moodiness and irritability are natural occurrences as their brains and bodies go through such rapid change. It also means that teens may be more susceptible to anxiety and depression. Anxiety is a normal reaction to stress; it’s our body’s way of protecting us from harm and can motivate us into action (fight or flight). But for some adolescents, anxiety goes beyond typical symptoms and can negatively affect schoolwork, friendships, family interactions, and their overall wellbeing. Depression is another common and serious mental illness that adversely affects how someone feels, thinks, and acts. The feelings of sadness related to depression exceed normal unhappiness or grief. Depression in teenagers, especially boys, can resemble anger. The good news is that anxiety and depression are treatable, so if you’re wondering if what your teen is experiencing is normal, there is help available.
5 Things You CAN Do as a Parent to Help Your Teen:
Free hugs – Even if they resist, hug their rigid, gawky, smelly bodies anyway, every day. (And even when – or especially when – they’re not very huggable.)
Listen – Pay attention to what they’re really saying, not what you want to hear.
Stop talking – No, really. STOP TALKING. Enough said.
Adult mentor – Help them identify an adult they can talk to if/when they can’t open up to you.
Family dinners – Multiple studies have indicated this regular connection fosters protective factors for teens against everything from disordered eating to risky behaviors (sex, drugs, violence), effects of cyberbullying, and mental health concerns. (All screens off!)
Parenting a teenager can be exhausting, confusing, and just plain hard. So cut yourself some slack – none of us are doing it perfectly or gracefully. But parenting teens can also be interesting, exciting, and entertaining. Hopefully, you’ll be able to actually enjoy some time with them every now and then. And finally, I’d like to recommend you turn off the automatic alerts to the grade portal, but that’s a discussion for another day. For now, go plan that family dinner.
