As a parent, watching your child grieve can be an incredibly painful experience leaving you feeling helpless, heartbroken, and lost. For some families, grief shows up after a transition: a divorce, a move, or an illness. For others, the loss of a family member, a friend, or a beloved pet initiates the grief process. During these times, parents struggle to talk to their kids about the difficult emotions commonly experienced with grief. Although periods of grief in a family can be incredibly difficult, they can be invaluable in creating intimacy in close relationships and building strong coping skills throughout the emotional process.

Resiliency is the ability to thrive in the face of adversity, tragedy, and hardship. It is also the ability to “bounce back” after experiencing a setback. Resilient people often have good self-awareness and can manage strong emotions. Families as a whole can foster resiliency by building strong connections, instilling hope, remaining flexible, and finding ways to feel empowered during times of struggle. For parents, it can be difficult to instill these qualities in children just by talking about them. Through navigating difficult trials together, it creates a cohesive experience for children to truly understand and internalize this important skill set. Learning to deal with setbacks, loss, transitions, and heartache is key in positive mental health.

We don’t have to orchestrate painful trials to allow our kids the opportunity to practice these skills. Life takes care of that for us. During these trials, we need to be intentional in how we parent and heal. Our kids will look to us to learn how to feel strong emotions, find light in the darkness, and build connection and intimacy in life’s most vulnerable moments.

When studying resiliency, we can find patterns and qualities commonly found in individuals that can overcome tremendous trauma and heartache. Here are five characteristics that promote resiliency and ways you can foster these skills through the grief process.

Characteristic #1: Internal Locus of Control

Resilient people are able to find ways to feel empowered when situations in life feel out of control. One of the best ways to do this is to know your gifts and find ways to serve others in difficult times. For kids, this can be anything from drawing a picture for a grieving family member, donating proceeds from a lemonade stand to an important cause, or simply giving a hug to a sad friend. In addition to more personal times of grief, our children will be exposed to tragedy on a national and a community level like school shootings and natural disasters. As a parent guiding your child through these times, it is important to always point out the helpers. There is an army of helpers nearby with every tragedy: emergency responders, faith communities, and loved ones. There are countless opportunities for a person to show compassion and support during need. In addition, there are ways to honor the legacy of a lost loved one by an act of kindness. Help your child brainstorm ways to be helpful and bring kindness and love to any situation. Your child will feel empowered to see their gifts improve a hard situation. When your family is on the receiving end of these loving acts by others, model for your child to receive these gifts with gratitude and appreciation.

Characteristic #2: Hope

People who overcome incredibly difficult trials can find ways to instill hope in themselves and others. Grief brings with it some very heavy emotions. It can be difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel during long periods of sadness and loss. Resilient people can take their focus out of their current situation and see things from a wider viewpoint. There is a belief that the pain will not last forever and that healing from any situation is possible. This is where spirituality, faith, and belief in a higher power can provide incredible comfort, meaning, and hope. While it is important to validate the pain they experience in grief for our kids, it is also important to instill a narrative that there can be beauty and joy, even in times of sadness. 

Characteristic #3: Strong Relationships

Having strong relationships is the single most important factor in resiliency. Creating and maintaining strong relationships and community can be one of the greatest gifts of resiliency that you can instill in your child. It takes a village to navigate life’s greatest struggles. As a family, instill the message that relationships can be a powerful force in overcoming heartache and struggle. We are not meant to tackle life alone. Equipping your child with strong relationship skills, opportunities for community involvement, and a strong emotional IQ is one of the most powerful predictors for your child to experience a lifetime of resiliency, connection, and love. Whether your family is in a peak or a valley, prioritize relationships. When a loved one is going through a difficult time, model for your child how to “show up” as a family. Attend funerals, visit friends in the hospital, and attend a candlelight vigil. To show up for others in their darkness, you have to be willing to feel pain and heartache. Teach your children that it is worth it. 

Characteristic #4: Learning to Ask for Help

One of the most important factors in overcoming adversity is learning to ask for and accept help. Resilient people are often in tune with what they need and can ask for help when they need it. Whether that is seeking advice, asking for a favor, or reaching out for a listening ear, it is important to give yourself permission to not have all the answers. If your child is grieving, chances are- you are too. Parenting is the hardest job in the world. Most parents are still trying to learn all these lessons for themselves. You do not have all the answers, and that is okay. Model for your child how to reach out to others in a time of need. In addition, let your child know that you are a resource for them all the time and help your child to identify other adults they can turn to when they need extra support and encouragement.

Characteristic #5: Strong Ability to Regulate Hard Emotions

Grief is tough. There are so many strong feelings that are triggered all the time. When we are in pain, our natural tendency is to avoid situations that cause it. That is not always our best strategy, especially with grief. Resilient individuals learn ways to tackle and experience their emotions head-on, understanding that the intensity of each emotion is temporary. Take each wave as it comes. When your child experiences sadness, comfort them and let them cry. When they experience anger, sit with them until the intensity subsides, and they can problem solve the issue that is upsetting them. When your child feels scared or anxious, listen to their concerns and remind them that your family can tackle any obstacle or transition that comes along the way. As a parent, seek your own support and outlets for your emotion and grief. This will allow your family to feel empowered and strong, even in the midst of pain and suffering.

As a mother of three boys, I can understand the complexities of parenting through grief firsthand. Like many, our family has endured many losses. We have lost friends. We have lost family members. We have lost beloved pets. In addition, we have also grieved losses associated with life transitions, illnesses, and lost dreams. With each of these difficult circumstances, my first emotion as a mom is usually guilt. I feel guilt and sadness that my children have had to experience such loss at their age. I yearn to protect their childhoods from heartache and pain. However, what I have realized when I look at these times as a family, there has been so much beauty. We have learned how to have hard conversations as a family. We have learned how to hurt and how to cry together. We have learned to show grace to each other during times of pain and found ways to offer compassion and support to others when they are hurting. The intense emotions of the grief process dissipate with time and healing. However, the connection, the cohesiveness, and the hope lasts long after the pain. Grief offers so many important lessons on how to find meaning, purpose, hope, and love during life’s most difficult times. There is always light in the darkness. Always. As parents, it is our job to model for our kids how to find that light and how to be that light. We need to model how to lean into family, faith, friends, and community. We need to model how to ask for help and how to feel strong feelings. We also need to inventory our individual gifts and learn how to share those gifts with love, generosity, and compassion with others in a broken world. That is the good stuff and will serve our children well for the rest of their lives.